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I desember kommer alle slags familiegleder og sorger over julebordet. Hva sier disse familieforholdene og følelsene de fremkaller?

Harde ord kan bli sagt. Kanskje en repetisjon, fordi det ble sagt harde ord allerede ved tidligere anledning. Under en slik julemiddag kan noe plutselig "klikke" eller noe "brekke". "Det er nok!" Og dette kan forårsake uopprettelig skade.

Greta kom til meg og fortalte at så lenge hun kunne huske, brukte faren henne som sin «verbale boksesekk». Han jobbet på kontoret med mange frustrasjoner, men ga ikke uttrykk for det til sine kollegaer. Moren hennes kunne gjøre lite galt, broren hennes var for ung til å klage, men det fikk faren til å krangle mer mot henne. Kveld etter kveld satt hun ved bordet og gråt. Hun hadde feil karakter, hun måtte endre seg, hun var for lettvint. Så måtte hun love igjen at hun ville endre seg, men hun ante ikke hvordan, for hun gjorde ikke mye galt. Noen ganger ble det sagt at hun hadde gjort ting hun egentlig ikke hadde gjort. Og mens onkel og tante var der, fortsatte han og fortsatte, om hvilket dumt barn hun var, at hun ikke var bra.

Om morgenen visste hun allerede at han ville eksplodere om kvelden. Da var hun så søt og fin og koselig som mulig hele dagen, men han eksploderte i en kanonade over den minste tingen. Så onsdag ettermiddag dro han ut alle tingene ut av skapet fordi han ikke syntes rommet hennes var ryddig, rasende og skrikende. Og i stedet for å gjøre noe morsomt med moren, måtte hun først rydde opp i rommet og skapet. Han kommenterte klærne hennes, utseendet hennes og vekten hennes.

Da hun var ti år ble hun deprimert. Hun begynte å utvikle et forstyrret forhold til mat, som ble til en spiseforstyrrelse. Da hun giftet seg og fikk barn, ble hun kalt hore. Hun slo opp med familien på brorens bryllupsdag. De ble spurt om de fortsatt kunne ha kontakt med barnebarna. Hun opprettet en e-postadresse spesielt til barna, men den dag i dag (20 år senere) hadde de ikke hørt fra dem.

Den konstante kritikken, det ydmykende i offentligheten, å bagatellisere henne, skylde på hver eneste lille feil, komme med hatefulle kommentarer, tvinge henne til å spise mat som fikk henne til å kneble og til og med spytte. Det hele hadde en innvirkning på hvordan hun var nå.

Hun insisterte på å ha en samtale. Først av alt med foreldrene hennes, men det hjalp ikke fordi de ikke angret eller ikke engang var bevisst og nektet på hva de hadde gjort. Hun snakket med lillebroren og det viste seg at han hadde lidd like mye av all den elendigheten.

Det tok lang tid for hun oppsøkte hjelp og kom til meg. Og mange samtaler senere kunne hun endelig se at hun måtte tilgi. Gå videre med et rent ark. Selv om den andre personen ikke endrer seg, forandrer det deg i den situasjonen. Tilgivelse handler ikke om den andre personen, men om deg, at du kan legge fra deg den tunge byrden du bærer med deg. Selvfølgelig, alle steder kan det forekommer at det heves stemmen noen ganger eller en passende straff deles ut, men alltid fokusert på oppførselen, ikke på barnet eller personen selv.

Ha en samtale med hverandre. Vær ærlig og åpen. Hva skjedde? Med deg, men også med den andre. En bror eller en søster. Kjenner de seg igjen i historien din eller ikke i det hele tatt? Kanskje dere har vært gjennom det samme, men håndtert ting på en annen måte.

Hvis det ikke er noen anerkjennelse og problemet ikke kan løses, fortsett uten den andre. Si at du tilgir ham/henne. Ikke ta opp kontakten. Absolutt ikke i en tid som jul. Og hvis det er kontakt, hold det så nøytralt som mulig.

Family, can’t live with ‘em…

In December all kinds of family joys and sorrows come over the Christmas table. What do those family relationships and the emotion they evoke say?

Hard words may be said. Perhaps a repetition because harsh words were already said on an earlier occasion. During such a Christmas dinner something can suddenly “click” or “break”. "It is enough!" And this can cause irreparable damage.

Greta came to me and told me that for as long as she could remember, her father used her as his "verbal punching bag." He worked in the office with many frustrations but did not express them to his colleagues. Her mother could do little wrong; her brother was too young to complain, but that made her father rant against her more. Night after night, she sat at the table crying. She had the wrong character, she had to change, she was too easy-going. Then she had to promise again that she would change but she had no idea how, because she didn't do much wrong. Sometimes, it was said that she had done things that she really had not done. And while Uncle and Aunt were there, he went on and on, about what a stupid child she was, how she was no good.

In the morning she already knew that he would explode in the evening. Then she was as sweet and nice and cozy as possible all day long, but he exploded into a cannonade over the smallest thing. Then on Wednesday afternoon he would pull out all the stuff off the closet because he didn't think her room was tidy, furious, screaming. And instead of doing something fun with her mother, she first had to tidy up her room and closet. He commented on her clothes, her looks, her weight.

At the age of ten she became depressed. She began to develop a disturbed relationship with food, which turned into an eating disorder. When she got married and had children, she was called a slut. She broke up with the family on her brother's wedding day. They were asked if they could still have contact with the grandchildren. She specially created an email address for the children, but to this day (20 years later) they had not heard from them.

The constant criticism, humiliating in public, belittling, blaming every little mistake, having hateful comments, forcing her to eat food that made her gag and even spit. It all had an impact on how she was now.

She insisted on having a conversation. First of all, with her parents, but that was of no avail because they had no remorse, or they were not even conscious and in denial of what they had done. She talked to her little brother, and it turned out that he had suffered just as much from all that misery.

It took a long time before she decided to look for help and came to me. And a lot of conversations later she was finally able to see that she had to forgive. Moving on with a clean slate. Even if the other person doesn't change, it changes you in that situation. Forgiveness is not about the other person but about you, that you can lay off the heavy burden that you carry with you.

Of course, everywhere it can happen that a voice is raised sometimes, or an appropriate punishment is handed out, but always focused on the behaviour, not on the child or the person itself.

Have a conversation with each other. Be honest and open. What happened? With you but also with the other. A brother or a sister. Do they recognize themselves in your story or not at all? Perhaps you have been through the same thing but handled things in a different way.

If there is no recognition and the problem cannot be solved, continue without the other one. Say you forgive him/her. Don't take up the contact. Certainly not at a time like Christmas. And if there is contact, keep it as neutral as possible.

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